When Terrie moved to town and joined her local parenthood group, she was surprised to find so many people sharing stories of difficulties related to their child’s behavior. Many of these comments were accompanied by groans of dismay and shared stories of restaurant debacles and loss of television privileges. After a few meetings, Terrie admitted that she never had to set limits with Elizabeth, who was eight, and that downtime was extremely rare.

“I guess she’s just an easy kid,” Terrie said with a shrug.

Source: Annie Spratt/Unsplash

Even though many others left that meeting that day green with envyafter getting to know Terrie and her daughter better, the truth came out. On the playground, when Elizabeth played with children her age, she often seemed demanding. His peer group had playing Elizabeth’s games, and no, she wasn’t going to take turns. When Elizabeth didn’t get what she wanted, she would pout or throw tantrums that made her appear much less emotionally mature than her peers. Eventually, many friends drifted apart, although she managed to keep the friendship of a shy a girl who seemed happy to do whatever Elizabeth wanted. Terrie was happy that at least one of the girls at school understood exactly how “special” she was.

It turned out that Elizabeth seemed to be an “easy kid” because Terrie gave her everything she wanted.

Staying up past your bedtime? Of course. Getting a new toy from Target, even though she already got two this week? All right. Once again, are you forgetting about household chores? Of course, you can focus on your childhood and your schoolwork, and I will clean up.

The permissive parent

Terrie has adopted what we can call the lenient/permissive parental position. This is most often identified by the parent’s pure and generalized overindulgence. The child receives almost everything he wants and, in some cases, everything money can buy. She is considered “special”, prettier than other children, nicer than other children, more popular than other children, or, simply put, better at everything. As such, it deserves special treatment. She does not need to “worry her pretty little head” about trivial things or the duties and obligations of daily life. The child is overestimated and the relationship is characterized by guarding And attention accompanied by limited requirements.

How Indulgent Parents “See” and “Treat” Their Child

Critical elements of the lenient/permissive parenting position involve the parent’s behavior. child’s view as special, and that of the parents treatment of the child, which is characterized by a lack of discipline and a general pattern of indulgence (see the first article in this blog series to learn more about child’s view and the child treatment).

The combination of this dysfunctional view of the child and this dysfunctional treatment of the child leads to a feeling of right. Elizabeth thinks she deserves to be the one to choose the games on the playground. She thinks her games are fundamentally better, and everyone should recognize that. She accepted neither the mature boundaries of self nor the realistic boundaries common to all healthy relationships.

Source: Allen Taylor/Unsplash

Indulgence has significant psychological consequences

If the child’s grandiose or exaggerated vision is not moderated by boundary setting and frustration, the child clings to the vision of himself as better than others and comes to expect special treatment in the form of effusive care and nurturing. This type of child appears “spoiled” and is ultimately emotionally immature and ill-equipped to engage in healthy mutual relationships. Whatever their presentation to the world, they are titled.

Not all children respond to this model of indulgence as Elizabeth did. Some, like Terrie’s daughter, become extremely demanding And quite unpleasant in their insistence on getting what they want, while others are less demanding of others but remain entitled and eager for special treatment. Both types of children present themselves as entitled, but the latter seems better socialized and more cooperative than the other. The former is prone to tantrums and verbal aggression, while the latter tends to beg his parents for what he wants.

Interestingly, parental indulgence can make children appear more mature than they actually are for a while, especially when they are younger. Parents can explain that their child doesn’t throw a lot of tantrums, but that this apparent strength is the result of not being exposed to much frustration. However, as the spoiled brat spends more time away from home, real-world frustrations cannot be avoided and are poorly managed. The child, who previously seemed well adjusted, throws tantrums, shouts harsh words at friends, bursts into tears too often, or behaves aggressively toward others.

Indulgence and Its Contribution to Character Flaws

Indulgence comes at a cost to the child’s development. There are a number of potential areas of negative outcomes. Here is a list of some of the most likely areas. It is interesting to note that all probable immaturities are associated with narcissism

Low frustration tolerance: Difficulty tolerating frustration is problematic throughout life.

Poor Anger management: Anger control issues result in a kind of emotional immaturity. A problem with anger management is the adult embodiment of this childhood deficiency if the fundamental problem is not resolved.

Source: Obie Fernández / Unsplash

Sense of entitlement: Expecting to get what you want and being upset when it doesn’t happen is an overwhelming trait. Being demanding is costly to relationships of all kinds and interferes with intimate, more superficial connections.

“Better than” attitude: The feeling of superiority is problematic from the start. This makes mature, reciprocal relationships impossible and contributes to being hated by peers, work colleagues and friends.

Correcting parental indulgence and reversing course

It bears repeating that the right amount of warmth along with appropriate boundaries will help parents like Terrie get their child back on the right developmental track.

Permissive parents can change. They can find their way back to the health center. They can learn to set appropriate limits, require their child to do chores and help, and resist their child’s demands to get what they want or get everything they want. desires.

They may say “no” to a new sweatshirt and ask them to wait until their birthday or Christmas. They can finish cleaning their room, even if it seems overwhelming. They can complete the semester of tap class without dropping out prematurely, even if it wasn’t as fun as they thought it would be. Developing frustration tolerance and patience through age-appropriate disappointments, struggles, and desires is good for kids, a topic I talk about in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies for Raising Altruistic, Disenfranchised, Empathetic Children.

It’s not always easy. Parents must strive to find the right balance between frustrating and fulfilling their child’s wishes, requiring them to wait and work for the things desired while maintaining unconditional love and maintaining constant support. Children must struggle to mature healthily and find self-confidence for the benefit of perseverance and accomplishment. Effortless achievement and flourishing without investment compromise the development of essential structures that ensure health and maturity.

*A version of this blog post was published on drmaryannlittle.com.