When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to forget that the little things matter. Small kindnesses: buy a special treat for your partner or leave them a little note to meet them in the morning after a long trip. However, this is also true for the little things that turn people off, often without us even realizing it.

It’s called self-sabotage, and many of us are guilty of it. It may be unconscious (e.g. you are not doing it deliberately to hurt your partner or your relationship), but you are nevertheless choosing to sabotage yourself and your relationship, on some level. But once you recognize it, you can stop.

Here are 7 traits of women that quietly sabotage every good relationship they’re in:

1. Overreaction due to past hurtful experiences

Sometimes when we are seriously hurt or finally get out of that difficult marriage, we make a deal with ourselves that we will never end up with someone like that again.

For example, you dated a man who cheated on you. Then you decide, “I will never end up with a guy who cheats again.” » So you go to the other extreme and date a guy who is really into you. She’s a good person, but too in your face and rushing your relationship.

Now you discover that you have no freedom, that you feel stifled and that it is too much. Boom! You sabotaged your happiness by trying to protect yourself.

All because you were afraid of getting hurt. Self-sabotage means you do things to hurt yourself or to subvert a goal you have. If your goal is to have a healthy, happy relationship, you might find yourself self-sabotaging by doing things you know your partner doesn’t like or undermining the relationship itself. Maybe you hear yourself being harassed, or you catch yourself flirting and considering cheating.

How to stop self-sabotage: Spend some time alone and discover what a truly happy and healthy relationship looks like for you. Do you want someone who is there all the time, looking up to you, or would that get boring? Would you prefer some space and a few date nights a week together?

A study in The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry demonstrates that whatever has been hurtful to you in the past, address it and figure out what you would like a real relationship to look like in the future – and don’t just be reactionary to your hurt.

2. Saying you’re too busy when he asks you on a date

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I see this happen all the time when women feel confused about how much interest it is acceptable to show to a man they actually like.

They are told not to change their plans for their partner (because hello: “strong, independent woman, with a life!” or they don’t want to be called “whipped”). But honestly, it depends on who you are and your habits.

How to stop: If you are someone who always tells friends and men that you are too busy, you need to change that. “Too busy,” the other person said, “You’re not important to me.”

If you want love and the relationship is going well, make the person you love a priority in your life.

RELATED: 9 Signs Someone Is In Self-Sabotage Mode, According To Psychology

3. Acting like a “boyfriend and girlfriend” before you actually are

A big mistake (and massive turn-off) is someone who acts like you’re in a full-blown relationship after just the first few dates.

Has this ever happened to you? You meet a guy online. He asks you out next Friday, and before you even meet him in person, he’s calling you, texting you, and planning your future together.

How to stop: You need to catch yourself (and stop) if you do this. Before you get a little serious (maybe after the first date), slow down and visualize how you would like your relationship to progress, such as explained in the Communication and Social Interaction Skills Manual. Think about the signs that a relationship is getting serious and make a list.

Your first kiss, the first night you spend at each other’s house, or even the “relationship definition speech” are all good markers of the success of a relationship. Then, be realistic about what each one means. Your first kiss isn’t a sign that it’s time to commit, nor is it a sign that you should text them a hundred times a day or expect them to attend your grandmother’s funeral.

Map your realistic expectations in advance so you don’t embarrass yourself or self-sabotage the progress you make together.

4. Not showing interest when you are interested

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You don’t need to pursue someone, but people need to know that their efforts are recognized and that you care about them. Playing “hard to get” can cost you the relationship.

A quality human being will treat you the same way they would treat anyone else close to them – as important, valued and appreciated.

How to stop: Be brave, even if it potentially means risk rejection. If you like someone and they are a good person, let them know. The right person will love this. If you like someone and want to spend more time with them, just ask.

Self-sabotage will eventually be rejected no matter what – it’s better to take the risk and maybe find true love along the way.

RELATED: 7 Charming Signs You’ve Finally Found the Man You’ll Be With Forever

5. Acting indifferent as soon as you realize you really, really love someone

Many people – women especially – have bold confidence until they sincerely love someone. Is it you?

As soon as you find out you love them, all your insecurities come out and, to protect yourself, you start acting like you don’t care. At first it may seem a little cute and tempt the other person to “pursue” you, but eventually people get tired of it and move on.

How to stop: You have to be consistent. Don’t let feigned indifference get in the way of achieving your biggest dream. Be consistent in your love, behavior and words. THE Privacy and Intimacy Handbook watch how it’s the only way to build true intimacy. This person you love can’t read your mind.

6. Looking for “problems” in your relationship where they don’t exist

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Have you ever started a fight because you didn’t want him to think you were more into him than you? Or are you afraid she’s cheating on you, so you check her phone and continue to bring up the subject?

How to stop: Catch you when you notice that you are creating problems with your wonderful partner (who has shown you no evidence that there is a problem in your relationship). Is it in your head?

Try not to create exactly what you fear by looking for problems that don’t exist. This is just classic self-sabotage, and you both deserve better.

RELATED: 9 Brutally Honest Reasons Why You’ve Never Heard Of Him

7. Constantly test your partner’s love for you

If you need to test them or push them through obstacles, either you’re in the wrong relationship or your “stuff” is showing up and getting in the way. Quality people are not attracted to tests.

When you test a person’s love or loyalty or even how they “understand” you, it’s classic self-sabotage.

This is all due to a lack of communication on your part about what you want, need and desire. Testing someone’s love comes from insecurity and lack of self-esteem, as explained by Candel, OS and Turliuc, MN in their meta-analysis insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction. Instead, just talk to him and make it clear what you want.

How to stop: If you absolutely must have proof of your connection, look for it in the way your partner treats you on a daily basis. Look for how they show their love in their language.

Someone sticking around when you treat them badly isn’t proof that they love you, it’s proof that they’re willing to be treated badly. Ask yourself why you are willing to be the person who treats your loved ones this way.

Self-sabotage is common in happy relationships and can manifest in many subtle ways.

No matter how beautiful you are (inside and out) or how close you are to finding true love, if you behave in ways that sabotage the connection, it will cost you dearly.

RELATED: 7 Painfully Honest Reasons Why You’re Still Very Single

Lorna Poole is an international coach and professional speaker. It allows women to love beyond fear, pain and regret in order to attract the partner they truly deserve.