For many couples, the idea of ​​involving a third party in their intimate relationship is scary – or simply out of the question.

Fortunately, the stigma associated with couples therapy and counseling is disappearing. Healthy couples turn to professional counselors to help them overcome challenges in their marriages, big and small, and they are better off for it.

However, getting started can be tricky. So here are tips to help you decide if couples therapy is right for you, how to talk to your partner about it, maximize your experience, and make sure it works once you get there.

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself before planning couples therapy, says a psychologist:

1. When is it time to seek expert help?

Some people seek professional help when their pain is too difficult to manage or when the current reality (and situation) is too overwhelming. Others might seek out a therapist when they begin to recognize negative patterns in their marriage.

Marriage therapy can take many forms and offers a way to break patterns, create change, and find something different in life, such as described by research In The History of Professional Marriage and Family Therapy.

It is wise to seek professional help and advice whenever you cannot find solutions to the problems you are experiencing, the questions you are asking, or when the goal you are trying to achieve in your marriage does not happen despite all your efforts. efforts. If you’ve been achieving your goal for six months or more and still aren’t seeing the progress you want, then don’t hesitate to ask for help.

2. We need therapy, but how can I get my partner involved?

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It is not uncommon for a spouse to show more interest or motivation in seeking couples counseling. One way to approach therapy, especially if you have seen an individual counselor, is to tell your partner that their participation would be beneficial (i.e., offering the therapist another perspective).

Warning: if you have been seeing someone individually for a few months or more, you might find your the partner is resistant or even intimidated to visit your therapist. If that’s the case, give them the task of finding someone they like for you both to see.

Another way to talk with your spouse is to tell them that you want to increase the positive aspects of the relationship. Of course, we all have our complaints and our negative aspects in the relationship, but one study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology shows that it is easier to increase the positives than to decrease the negatives (although a good therapist will help you do both!).

Instead of focusing on negative behaviors (“We need therapy because you’re doing everything wrong!”), focus on hoping for the positive (“I want to laugh more and have fun with you …and therapy can help us get there.”) How can your partner challenge this?

Here are four tips for talking to your partner about the possibility of counseling:

• In a serious, calm voice, without interruption, clearly describe your feelings. Briefly review the things you have already tried to “fix” the relationship. Explain that your next (and perhaps last) attempt is to seek therapy.
• Don’t blame or yell.
• Be brief. Don’t sit for hours recycling the same stories and feelings.
• Do your research and have the names of therapists handy.

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3. Where can you find a therapist or coach?

There are several avenues for find a compatible relationship professional:

• Ask family and friends who you think have worked with someone.
• Ask your obstetrician/gynecologist or primary care physician.
• Find someone online. When you search online, you have the opportunity to read the profiles of professionals and find out if you agree with their therapeutic approach.
• Additionally, you can seek spiritual guidance in any way that suits you.

4. How do we know if the advisor is right for us?

Most therapists offer a free telephone consultation. Enjoy it. This allows you to talk with them and see if they specialize in your current problem.

Someone once told me she made a date because she liked the sound of my voice. Trust your instincts. When you’re ready, contact one or two. See if they offer an initial consultation, during which you can consider the following:

• Do you and your partner feel understood?
• Do you feel a sense of connection with this professional?
• Has this person been able to help others with similar situations or needs?
• What does your partner think of this person?
• Do you think this person is honest and unbiased, in the sense that they can understand both of you, your views and your needs in the relationship, without siding with either of you?
• Do you see yourself confiding in them the pain points, questions, doubts and fears in your relationship?

The answers to these questions are all clues that you have found a compatible professional to work with.

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5. How do we know if couples counseling is working for us?

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Once you begin couples therapy, make sure you are both comfortable with the therapist. Be honest, even if it’s difficult. The office should feel safe and professional. A case study of long-term couples counseling in Frontiers of psychology encourages you to make sure the therapist is engaged, focused, and offers meaningful feedback.

If you don’t feel good with the therapistIt might be a good idea to look for a better match. A professional therapist should let you know if therapy is not helping, whether separation or divorce should be considered, whether you are motivated enough to reconcile, or whether you have individual issues to work on first.

Trust your instincts! If you have a therapist who lets you yell at him during the session, this does not promote a feeling of safety (with your partner or your therapist).

Therapy works when you are allowed to “create space” for alternative modes of interaction, reconnection, and change and when it provides you with communication tools and coping skills, such as shown in the Gottman Institute Marriage Survival Kit. If you’re going to a therapist’s office to do the same thing you do at home, it’s time to try a new professional.

If one or both of you feels like the professional is siding with one of you and is no longer balanced, raise this concern immediately and move on if necessary.

Additionally, sometimes the timing of relationship growth and healing is not the same for both people in a relationship, and while it is sometimes wise to move from one professional to another to get help as a couple, the same professional may possibly be a perfect fit for one of them. you individually.

One-on-one help from a professional can help your relationships immensely and go a long way toward creating a happy, thriving relationship and marriage.

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Anne Crowley is a licensed psychologist with over 15 years of experience working with adolescents, adults and couples in a variety of settings.

Lori Edelson is a psychotherapist who works with adults and children for mood disorders, personality disorders, grief, and more.

Debra Gordy is a former relationship therapist who has worked in the field of energy psychology for over 30 years.