When we first get married, we are often still in the stage of passionate love and infatuation. Later, whether months or years, we discover that we don’t always agree with our partner. We forget that it’s normal. The happiest married couples often have at least ten areas of “disagreement” or incompatibility.

The “healthy” habit that tends to cause divorce is avoiding conflict – and here’s why:

1. It means you can’t communicate properly

The happiest married couples succeed in their marriages because at some point they were able to communicate openly about sensitive or unpleasant topics, and they were able to decide to disagree, according to research carried out in the Family communication manual.

They also choose not to let these disagreements spill over into other aspects of their relationship. Success in any relationship, then, means that we learn how to respect the difference of opinion – and choose to love and continue the relationship anyway.

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2. It means you can’t find neutral ground

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One of the most cited and proven ways to confront a conflict is on neutral ground. This could mean several different things. For example, when a problem arises, choose one point briefly to discuss it.

Maybe configure it like this: “Honey, on Saturday, after we’ve both done our workouts and had lunch as a family, while Junior is outside playing ball, can we sit on the back steps and talk about this problem we’re having ? »

Here you identify that there is a problem that needs to be discussedand you choose to discuss it when your stress level is low. You can handle the situation more rationally than emotionally.

You can also choose to set a regular time to discuss personal matters, family crises, financial issues, employment, etc. The goal is to have a safe time and place where you both know in advance that you can discuss any topic.

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3. It means you are not open-minded

Having neutral ground in your approach will allow both partners to come to the table candidly and, hopefully, with an open mind. THE Journal of Family Psychology published a cross-cultural review of the relationship between marital communication behavior and marital satisfaction which helps show that the best way to keep your marriage or relationship healthy is to resolve problems before they become problems, arguments or major problems.

You may be wondering: OK, so I need to identify potential situations that could escalate before they happen. Well if you are listen to your inner speech and you sense that your partner may disagree or get upset, that’s an indicator to not bring up the subject in the heat of the moment as soon as they enter the room.

Avoiding conflict in a relationship is a guaranteed path to divorce, as shown by a study carried out in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Sensitivity to anger and strong emotions can lead us to avoid conflict as a method of self-protection. Yet when conflicts are avoided, they are never resolved and resentment grows. Take a breath, think about your plan for dealing with the conflict, and be open to discussion until the problem is resolved.

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Lyndsay Katauskas is a personal coach and marriage educator specializing in relationships, divorce, grief and trauma.