A reader writes:

I find myself in a really weird situation. I attended a work conference that weekend night with almost all of my colleagues. We are lawyers in a fairly large “small” law firm.

At the end of the conference day, we all had dinner together. My close colleague, Jenna, and I arrived to dinner before the rest of our colleagues. I ordered a mocktail.

During dinner, another colleague said, “I’ll have what she’s having” and ordered my drink. I didn’t notice this. When he arrived without alcohol, she was apparently surprised. This led, for reasons I can’t quite understand, to my colleagues (all around my age, almost all women, all equally associated) apparently deciding that I must be pregnant. My coworkers were all VERY drunk.

When we left the dinner, one of the colleagues, Sara, asked me directly if it was true. I asked her why she thought that and explained to her that I wasn’t drinking because I was going to a big party tomorrow and drinking two nights in a row was just too much for me.

Another co-worker, Rose, cornered me and told me she heard I was pregnant. I asked where she had heard something like that, and she told me that all the associates were talking about it, she heard that I was trying, and she thought it was better to go straight to the source than to just speculating. Rose has been very open about her own fertility issues, so I found her questions absolutely shocking. I told her that if I had anything to announce, she would hear about it. I told him again that I was going to a party tomorrow and that I didn’t want to drink two nights in a row. Sara, standing nearby, said, “You don’t have to explain yourself. » Which… apparently is not the case!

Rose reminded me that if our boss found out through gossip, he would be furious. Great.

Rose and another associate, Amanda, then suggested a drink. Knowing that I was under surveillance, I asked them to offer me a glass of sparkling wine. Rose came back with the wine, announced to the group that I could now “prove” that I wasn’t pregnant, and started watching me and Amanda drink. I drank about half the glass, before saying I was going to bed as it was after 11pm.

I arrived late for the first panel the next morning. Jenna told me that the group was still speculating, that I wasn’t drinking enough (!) and that I must indeed be pregnant. I told Rose at the end of the panel that I was uncomfortable, that it was rude, and that I should no longer speculate about my health.

Here’s the thing. I am pregnant. It’s still early, I’m not ready to share, and even my own family doesn’t know yet! I don’t even know if this baby is healthy and developing normally. Our boss is a little paranoid. If he hears this gossip, it will undoubtedly have negative consequences for me. I am terrified and extremely uncomfortable.

We don’t have HR. I have no idea what to do. Confront each of these coworkers individually for their incredibly inappropriate behavior? Announce early to avoid gossip? I think of a partner at the firm who I trust enough to talk about it. What do I do?

WTF! Your colleagues have completely crossed the line.

Not only is it rude and intrusive to speculate on whether someone is pregnant, let alone confront them with questions (and no, Rose, it’s not better to “go straight to the source”), but it is also ridiculous to assume that someone is pregnant. is pregnant simply because she doesn’t drink. There are a multitude of reasons why a person might not drink on a given occasion: your own reason for not wanting to drink two nights in a row, or they are taking medication that prevents it, or they are trying to drink less, or they drive later, or they haven’t eaten much today and don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, or they prefer not to release their inhibitions at work events, or they just don’t feel like it.

It’s weird that your coworkers care so much. Even though they consider drinking together a pleasant bonding ritual at work conferences, it’s extremely strange to be so discouraged that someone else doesn’t want to – and I wonder if not drinking made them feel defensive about how a lot they were all drinking, given that you described them as “VERY drunk”. Some people are like that.

I hate that you felt like you had to order a drink just to get them to stop harassing you. If you could go back and start again, I would tell them to tell them that they have crossed the line, that there are a million reasons why someone might not drink, and that the topic has become boring and so you are leaving.

As for what to do now, you certainly don’t need to announce your pregnancy any sooner than you otherwise would! They don’t have a right to this information, and there’s no reason for you to worry about it just to avoid gossip.

Normally I’d say one option is to let them chat if they want and just decide you don’t care. But you worry about the consequences if it comes down to your boss, so it might not seem feasible to you. (More on that in a minute.) Personally, I’d love to see you talk to each of the coworkers involved about this, given how highly offensive it is. Example language: “There can be a multitude of reasons why a person is not drinking, not just pregnancy. Many of these reasons are personal and private, and pushing people to share them in a professional context is pretty horrible. I also don’t appreciate you speculating about whether I might be pregnant – and I hope you’ll think about how that would play out with someone struggling with infertility. If someone is pregnant and ready to share, they will share it. Please give me and others the courtesy and respect to put an end to this.

Aside: what about a pregnancy “probably having negative consequences” for you with your boss? This is not good (and it is illegal if your employer has 15 or more employees), and you will need a plan to manage this at any time you announce, if it happens. If your boss is really hostile to pregnancy and you think he may be unlawfully discriminating against you, it’s not a bad idea to include contact with an experienced legal attorney in this plan. of work.