DEAR ERIC: I am one of four siblings. I live close to my 102-year-old mother, but not with her, while my brothers and sisters live far away. Over the past 12 years, I have gradually taken over much of her care, although she generally makes her own decisions and is financially secure. She depends on me for cooking, shopping, appointments, and companionship.

After some thought, she decided she would be safer and happier in an assisted living facility. She is understandably sad to leave her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she needs more care and more stimulation.

My siblings visit her three to four times a year and do not contribute to her care consistently. They are trying to find ways for her to stay in her own home.

All the options they came up with involve a lot of work for my mom and me. She doesn’t want anyone living with her and I don’t want to hire, fire, train and supervise multiple caregivers. Their options assume that I will always be there to take care of her.

My siblings are coming to visit soon and want to discuss how to keep mom in her own home. I’m afraid they’ll convince her not to move. I have to tell them that unless some or all move here, she needs to move to an assisted living facility. I love my mother and I know my siblings do too. I don’t think they understand how much help she needs. How can I tell them that I can’t do this anymore without making my mother feel guilty for everything I do for her?

– Tired girl

DEAR DAUGHTER: It seems that your mother made an informed decision, which was not easy but which will help her continue to have a good quality of life and preserve her independence. So while your sibling’s contribution may be well-intentioned, what it’s tacitly saying is that neither you nor your mother knows what’s best for her. And that’s not true.

Only talk with siblings before their visit to emphasize that your mother is capable of making her own decisions and they should respect that. Also emphasize to them that you don’t think they know what day-to-day help looks like. Be very firm and clear about the parts of their ideas that are not feasible or are asking too much of you. There is no need for debate. Your mother knows what she wants.

Pointing out gaps in their thinking, without your mother, can help them understand better without making your mother feel guilty.

If they still insist on a meeting, help your mother express what she thinks and think about options. You have built a relationship with her in which she remains autonomous and, presumably, you are able to honestly express your views and opinions. This will really help here.

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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