• I taught high school students for 10 years and often heard their complaints about college admissions.
• Most students want their parents to know that they are also stressed about paying for college.
• They also want to choose their own major, and some don’t even want to go to college.

I was a teacher for 10 years, and several high school students I took refuge in my classroom at lunchtime. They were showing me and everyone else pictures of their new dog and arguing about the ethics of Taylor Swift concert ticket prices. They also carried out significant ventilation; they mostly complained that their parents “just didn’t get it” when it came to college.

Inasmuch as young parent I myself knew the difficult dilemma faced by parents and children: a battle of wills and goals, of finances and friendships. I understood both sides of the debate as families grappled with issues such as cost, distance and reputation.

Above all, I noticed how my students wanted to be heard by their parents. They wanted a little more understanding and less advice.

Here’s what I learned from listening to my university students.

Children want to choose their specialty and don’t want their parents’ opinion

This is the first new question student asks repeatedly: what is your specialty? »

It can be difficult to choose a major which meets all the requirements of students and parents. Parents want their children to choose a smart specialization, transferable to the business world and scalable. Meanwhile, students want their major to be interesting, sometimes creative, and aligned with their dreams. For some, it’s their first chance to study something they’re passionate about, rather than going through the drudgery of required high school courses.

I’ve heard many conversations from students who planned to start with their parents’ idea of ​​the best major and then change later in their degree. academic careers to what they wanted.

Bottom line: some students don’t feel heard about their major choice and feel judged because it’s not their parents’ idea of ​​the “right” path. Opening a dialogue with students can help them understand what they really want to do.

They want to follow their friends to university

As any parent of teenagers can attest, friends are life. They’re not just people to hang out with here and there; they are fundamental for adolescent development and even happiness.

I have seen many groups of students choose the same college so as not to be separated. I watched friends and girlfriends follow their love interests across the country.

This was by far one of the hardest for parents because, as most parents know, those friendships and relationships come and go easily at that age – but the choice of where to go to school is much more permanent.

Bottom line: It’s natural for students to want to follow their friends and apply to the same colleges. Some of them feel ashamed or try to hide that this is the real reason they want to go to a certain school. Parents must talk to their children understand why they are attracted to certain schools.

Children are also stressed about finances and school fees

Students and parents worry about money. Some of the conversations I overheard included: “I worry that my mother is trying to pay for college when she already doesn’t have enough money”, “I have to understand this FAFSA because I know my parents are not going to help me” and “I’m going to be in debt forever, but what other choice can I make J ‘have?”

The teenagers I worked with were generally hardworking and really hated the stereotype that their generation was lazy and unwilling to work for their future. They think deeply about their college plans and how they will finance those dreams. This becomes an even bigger problem as tuition costs continue to rise.

The main thing: the students and parents those who had open, honest conversations about money fared best and gave students less stress and more ability to plan — even if it meant they had to pay for it themselves.

Some students just don’t want to go to college

Sometimes I would hear, “I don’t even want to go to college, but I can’t tell my parents.”

This was so difficult to hear as a teacher because it was the ultimate sign that a student could not openly share their preferred path – whether it was travel, teaching for America, mission trips, blue-collar work or technical school.

Some students kept it a secret, wasting thousands of dollars (from their own or their families) only to drop out a year later. Others went on to college but were unhappy the entire time. Disappointing their family was a difficult burden to bear.

The bottom line: Start by discussing the “ifs” and “no’s” of when a student might go to college, fairly presenting other reasonable options and paths to success.

Open communication is necessary

In general, kids really want to impress their parents and prove that they can succeed at their dream college. All of this can be accomplished more easily if parents and college-going children are willing to have conversations.

When my own children get to this point, I hope I can remember to tell them that in the midst of the FAFSA, Common App, university visitsand future planning, our relationship will be more important than any academic decision.