AAt this point in the election season, you might be as interested in getting your outspoken uncle out of your family as you are in voting for the next president of the United States. Divergent political opinions can tear family members apart, leaving everyone feeling like they’re walking on eggshells as November 5 approaches.

“People are feeling a lot of stress knowing that everyone is feeling tense about this,” says Jenna Glover, clinical director of the mental health app. Headspace. “Some people have lost relationships, and it’s important to recognize the impact this has on our mental health. »

With that in mind, we asked experts what exactly to say to the parent whose policy you despise in order to maintain (or restore) family peace.

“I won’t talk about politics today.”

You know what they say: never talk about religion, politics or money in mixed company. Setting a clear boundary is one of the most effective ways to preemptively squash disagreements, experts agree. Make your intentions clear in advance: Before hosting your child’s birthday party or getting together for a Halloween costume party, reach out to your family members and establish some guidelines, says psychotherapist Bradford Stucki in Provo, Utah. “Suggest a politics-free zone for the gathering,” he advises. Emphasize that you want to stay focused on the kids or upcoming festivities, and ask for a commitment to avoid polarizing topics. If the conversation still ends up going that way, shut it down: “OK, that’s enough” or “We’re not talking about that here today.”

Learn more: How to Set Boundaries With Loved Ones, According to Family Therapists

“Can you tell me a story that helps me understand how you came to believe this?” »

If you’re sitting at the kitchen table with a family member and they say something contrary to what you believe politically, take a breath and spark your curiosity. Then ask them to tell you about personal experiences that shaped their perspective. “Our most polarizing conversations are often an exchange of talking points divorced from context,” says Jill DeTemple, professor and chair of religious studies at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and an associate at Essential partnersa non-profit organization that helps people build relationships across differences.

Asking the story behind someone’s beliefs can help us remember that our family members are complex and that their ideas may come from a place we recognize, even if we don’t also subscribe to them. “Maybe I deeply disagree with my uncle about guns, but his story about his sense of accomplishment and belonging after shooting his grandfather’s rifle for the first time resonates with me. will help remind me how kind he was to me when I was a child,” she says. DeTemple recommends asking yourself, “Am I having dinner with family because I want to convince everyone to think like me, or because I want to be reminded that I’m part of something bigger?”

“If I only heard what’s on your feed, I’m sure I would think the same thing, but I’ve had different experiences in my life.”

This approach echoes Nealin Parker, executive director of Common ground United Statesan organization dedicated to peacebuilding. She sees it as a gentle reminder that even the most compelling reporting “does not apply equally to everyone’s lives.” Plus, it can be a helpful way to remind people that the most informed and honest opinions are often based on real-life experiences, Parker says. This can open the door to conversations centered around a desire for mutual understanding.

“What kind of compromise or solution could work for both sides? »

Be sure to look for common ground in politically charged conversations, advises Glover. One way to do this is to raise the topic of potential compromises or solutions, which will help you and your cousin Bob become closer, rather than focusing on the difference in your views. Explain how you both would approach an economic or health care issue that is important to you. As Glover says: “How can we work to find a solution that is inclusive and useful for most people? » These brainstorming sessions encourage people to feel like they’re part of the same team, she says, and are more productive than fighting.

Learn more: 11 Things to Say to Persuade Someone to Vote

“Tell me more.”

It may seem counterintuitive, but Parker likes this tactic because if you can convince someone that you really want to hear their point of view, they tend to move from speech to speech. “This can make people reconsider their most inflammatory comments, and sometimes even want to know more about your beliefs,” she says. So the next time your brother starts bashing your favorite candidate, ask him to tell you more about his background and you might be surprised how quickly the temperature in the room drops.

“Could I have permission to share my point of view?

It’s okay to share your perspective with people on the other side of the political spectrum, but Glover likes to start the conversation by asking permission. This is a technique commonly used in counseling called get-provide-get-get: first, you find out what someone else’s point of view is; then you give your own point of view; and finally, you ask the other person for their reaction. “The other person actively said, ‘Yes, I want to hear,’ and that puts them in a different position of openness,” she says. “And of course, if they say no, it’s good for you to know.” Why waste your breath on someone who won’t listen? » However, in the 20 years she used this strategy, no one ever refused to hear what she had to say.

“I would like the chance to learn from each other, because I respect you but I see the world differently.”

This wording is effective because it lets your family members know that even if you disagree with them, you intend to base your discussion on respect and sincerely want to better understand where they are coming from , explains Parker. However, it is essential to mean what you say. If you don’t want to learn something from your loved ones or maintain a relationship with them, that’s okay, but in those cases it’s usually best not to engage. If you decide to continue, try talking one-on-one (confidentiality makes conversations more constructive) and remember that good things don’t happen overnight. “It’s unlikely that a single conversation will result in significant change,” Parker says, but it’s a start that can be built on over time.

“Maybe we can revisit this conversation when we both feel calmer.”

If you realize that you and a family member are both nervous (perhaps your pulse starts to race or your chest tightens), it’s time to walk away. “As humans, when we feel pushed, we will react,” says Glover. This virtually guarantees that the conversation will come to nothing good. By suggesting you come back to things later, “you’re basically letting go of the balloon that’s about to explode and saying, ‘Let’s just take a break.’ “That way, you can make sure neither of you says something you’ll regret later,” Glover adds.

Learn more: How to Survive Election Season Without Losing Your Mind

“I mean, I’ll vote for any candidate who will stimulate the economy, cut my taxes and… sue people who take their shoes off on planes.”

Sometimes humor is the best tool to ease tense situations. That’s why a simple comedic device called a “triple comic” can work well, says Paul Osincup, comedian and author of The habit of humor. The idea is to list three things: the first two should be obvious or banal, while the third should be funny or surprising. By using this technique, “you gently redirect the conversation to a lighter topic: pet peeves,” he says. Your family members will probably start laughing and reply, “I know, it’s so gross!” Or, Osincup adds, they could check off the pet peeves they would abolish if they were president. “When everyone is in on the joke, they feel more connected,” he says. “Shared laughter is empathy in action.”

“I’ll just be happy when all the campaign ads are over: they’re ridiculous!”

Here’s another way to make your family members smile. Describe what a political attack ad against you (or one of them) might look like, Osincup suggests: “Kyle says he’ll make the best VP on accounting, but he still spends $8 $ per day at Starbucks. Would you trust Cappuccino Kyle with your money? “You’re making fun of a pretty universally shared experience — you don’t like political ads — and then you redirect the humor back to yourself,” Osincup says. He recommends giving yourself a nickname (preferably with alliteration) and delivering your announcement in a booming, dramatic voice.

“Looks like the Cowboys could beat the Eagles this year.”

If things start to go south at one of Glover’s family gatherings, she redirects to a subject that has the same energy, but feels much safer: sports. After all, it’s a lot more fun fighting for football teams than political parties. And remember: if someone in your family won’t give up on the election and is determined to fight, you don’t have to participate. “Some people will continue to create an environment that is not healthy and that will impair your judgment,” she says. “Take control of what you can and recognize that sometimes there is nothing you can do but remove yourself from the situation.”