If you’ve never had to attend a funeral before, it’s normal to feel nervous, but the key is to be present and respectful. Here is a guide to get you through it.

While funerals are as diverse and individual as the person they celebrate, we have specified “Pākehā” funerals here to try to distinguish between tangi funerals and Pacific funerals, among others, which have expectations and very different cultural traditions. This is not to say that all Pākehā funerals are the same, but in general you can usually expect a one to two hour funeral service and wake. Of course, any funeral can have a mix of different traditions, and there are likely many other important cultural traditions that are not covered in this guide. Therefore, if you are attending the funeral of someone with a different cultural background, it is absolutely worth doing a little research first. , or ask a friend for advice. The guide to attending a tangi or funeral in the Pacific will appear in future editions of The Spinoff Guide to Life.

Funerals are for the dead, but they are for the living. In terms of funeral etiquette, what you can do depends largely on how close you are to the person who died. No one will look askance at a grieving widow who shows up hungover in a tea-stained bathrobe. It’s entirely their prerogative. This guide is not intended for immediate family or close friends of the deceased, who should not be concerned about etiquette. This is for people outside the “inner circle of mourners” who haven’t been to many funerals and want to know what to expect.

Should you attend?

Unless the family has chosen to have a private ceremony, the general rule is that everyone is welcome to attend the funeral and pay their respects.

If you didn’t know the deceased well and aren’t sure whether or not you should go because you’re afraid of intruding on someone else’s grief, don’t be! If the family wanted a private funeral, they would have arranged one. Not only is it entirely appropriate to attend a funeral and pay your respects, but it is often very moving for the family of the deceased to see how much their loved one meant to many people.

If you didn’t know the person who died, you can also accept it with the intention of supporting someone else. If you are close to someone who is grieving, showing up at the funeral can be a very meaningful way to show your love and support.

If the funeral is in another city or it is logistically difficult to attend, it is up to you whether you decide to attend or not. But most people only die once, so it’s worth the effort.

A reason for not attending a funeral may be if you have a complicated relationship with the family and you know or strongly suspect that they would not want you there. Obviously, there’s no hard and fast rule, but if you had a torrid affair with the deceased 10 years ago, it might be more respectful to give his grieving widow some space.

Read the funeral announcement

Funerals are as different as the people they honor. The etiquette for a biker’s funeral is going to be very different from that of a conservative elderly relative. Often, the funeral notice will mention in advance if there are any special instructions, related to dress code, donation suggestions, or other practical requests, such as “In lieu of flowers, please bring a plate “.

What to wear

Gone are the days when you’re expected to show up to a funeral in a tidy black twinset, complete with pearls and a lace veil. Many funerals have explicit instructions regarding dress code – and in my experience, it’s quite common to be asked to wear something to honor the memory of the dead. Funeral notices often ask people to dress in bright colors/disregard the traditional monochrome aesthetic.

Again, I think it depends a lot on how well you knew the person who died. If it was your favorite uncle who had an extensive collection of flannel shirts, you have every right to wear a flannel shirt as a memento of him. If you don’t know the person well and there are no dress code instructions, it’s best to wear something neat, modest, and discreet. Usually I would go for a darker palette, just to be safe. But don’t worry if your black sweaters are all washed and you only have navy blue. Unless you show up to someone else’s grandmother’s funeral wearing gold sequined hot pants, no one is going to pay much attention to what you’re wearing.

Tip: If you wear mascara, make it waterproof. If you are a pallbearer or attending a graveside funeral, do not wear stilettos unless you wish to drop the casket or slowly sink into the grass.

What to bring

Don’t show up to the wake with two frozen lasagnas unless you’ve already discussed it in advance with the hosts. If you would like to offer to bring something to the wake, you can contact us in advance, but do not add to the administrative burden on the funeral organizers by showing up with several unsolicited quiches.

The same goes for flowers. As with quiches, it’s important to think about the poor parents who have to bring home a car full of stinking sympathy lilies. If you really want to send flowers, you should send them to the funeral home before the service, not bring them with you on the day. (Again, this advice is specific to Pākehā funerals. Other cultures have specific traditions around flowers, so do your research first.) Check the funeral notice to see if there are instructions explicit. Many people will suggest a charitable donation rather than flowers. But don’t feel obligated to bring anything unless specifically asked.

Handkerchiefs: always a good idea. Even if you don’t expect to cry.

Where to sit

If you are not close to the deceased, do not sit in front unless you have been specifically invited to sit there to support them. Immediate family will usually be seated at the front of the service. Everywhere else is good.

Speech

If you have not been asked to speak, do not spontaneously take the microphone during the service. Often at the wake, people will have the opportunity to come and share a memory or thought, so if you have something to say, now is a good time. Try to be brief, authentic, and don’t say anything about the deceased that their family or friends would be distressed to hear.

Tears

Funerals are emotional moments. If you don’t know the person well, but are still embarrassed to cry, don’t worry. As long as you don’t throw yourself at the coffin and scream, no one will notice.

If the person means a lot to you, but your eyes are inexplicably dry, don’t feel bad. Everyone grieves differently, and no one will think less of you if you don’t leave the service looking like you just worked a long shift at the onion-cutting factory.

General advice

• Turn off your phone!! Or at least put it on silent. You’ll feel like an idiot if your Law & Order ringtone goes off in the middle of someone’s heartfelt eulogy.
• Don’t hit people
• Don’t hand out business cards
• Do not bring up religion or the afterlife if the person was not religious

What to say

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who is grieving. If you find yourself in a situation where you would like to express your condolences to their loved ones, keep it simple and authentic. If you have specific memories or something meaningful that you would like to share with the family, I think you can do so, as long as you are tactful, and don’t corner them with a painfully long speech or upsetting. anecdote. If you have specific memories or photographs you would like to share, I suggest you write them down/attach them to a sympathy card or email, and send them in the weeks and months following the funeral , when people have had more time to process their loss. On the day, you can simply shake someone’s hand and say “sorry for your loss.”

When to leave

Although it is not appropriate to leave in the middle of a grieving spouse’s eulogy, it is acceptable to step outside and take a breath of air, if you need a moment. Generally, it is polite to stay for the entire funeral, even if someone is giving what feels like a two-hour speech.

The wake or memorial is another story. People are generally free to come and go as they please. You don’t need to awkwardly stay at the wake out of misguided politeness. It’s okay to skip the wake or just show up to pass out some condolences and then leave. Likewise, try not to overstay your welcome.

After

Funerals are difficult, but the hardest part is usually in the weeks and months after the bereavement, when the sympathy pans stop appearing and people return to their ordinary lives. While it’s good to show up at the funeral, remember to continue to show up, whether that’s passing on photos and memories, or simply offering your friends a little friendship and of companionship.

Funerals are generally not scary. They can be emotionally intense, but as long as you do your best to be respectful and kind, you can’t go too far wrong. Try to keep family and loved ones at the center of your actions and give those who are grieving your patience and grace.